Sunday, September 18, 2005

4:37PM

I am so friken happy right now. God has just been blessing me beyond what I ever expected! I am so happy at OBU, I totally know that this is where I am supposed to be. I was so scared before I came here cause I didnt know anyone, I had no idea what my room mate would be like, I didnt know if I would make friends, I didnt know if I would totally get screwed in my classes, I didnt know if I'd find a good church, I didnt know if I'd like basketball... there was just so much that I really didnt know and I was really really scared to find out. But seriously, it has been almost a month or so?!? I dunno.. and I am so happy. Everything has worked out perfectly. My roommate and I couldnt be better for eachother, the girls on my hall are all wonderful girls and amazing friends, I have also gotten to know some great guys, so many people love God here, my classes arent necessarily a breeze but they arent going to screw me over.. at least not that I know of, my family is close so if I ever need to go home they are only an hour away, I miss my friends back home but I have a complete peace and I know that they are doing ok and that I can talk to them whenever I want to, basketball is getting better... at first it was a little scary, but its definitely getting better and I really think that it will be fun, I found a great church that I have gone to the past couple weeks.. and I know its kinda soon to make a final decision, but I love this church. Its so much like my old church and so far both times I have gone I have left so refreshed and excited to grow in God more and more during the week. I am just so happy right now. God has blessed me so much and I am so excited about what he is doing in my life. I feel like i have given Him all my worries and my doubts and my thoughts, and I just know that He is going to take care of them. He is going to work everything out perfectly. I have no doubt! I am just so excited to grow even more in Him. He is amazing and I thank Him daily for all that he has done for me!

Just to say to everyone who is still in highschool... seriously, first piece of advice... GO AWAY for college! It is AWESOME! If you dont know anyone its even better! I seriously would not have it any other way.... secondly, pray pray pray pray for God to open the door to where you are supposed to go. Because if you go where He wants you...you will be sooooooo much happier! Just pray and have faith in him and be willing to go where He sends you! Its amazing!!!!

Current mood: excited

Friday, September 2, 2005

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Friday, August 19, 2005

6:20PM - is this where i am supposed to be?

Wow tomorrow I start college. I have spent the whole week at a friends house with my parents just spending as much time with them as I possibly can before I leave. This is so weird! I am excited.... yet I am just really unsure what to expect and Im really nervous. Everyone says it is going to be a blast... and I guess I believe them but man, I really have no idea how I am going to do. I am still tryin to decide if I like it down here. It is incredibly hot.. which I like but this heat is a little different. Its VERY humid... so as soon as you go outside you feel like youre sweating and you want to go back inside. I am very unsure if I like that. Also supposedly there are LOTS of storms down here. There havent been any yet but there are warnings of some tomorrow! GREAT! My first night at college and theres going to be a huge storm and I am going to freak out. I am just so unsure as to how I feel. I REALLY miss Washington. It makes me really really sad thinking that I dont live there anymore and when I go back there it will be for vacation. That really really scares me and makes me really sad. I love it there. That was my home... and now its not. I dont like that feeling at all. I want to be back there so bad. Ok now Im starting to cry.... I miss washington so much. I didnt have to worry about anything there. I didnt have to worry about thunder and lightning and tornadoes and I always had someone to hang out with. I know I'llmake friends at college but they're not my friends from washington. I miss you guys sooooooooo much and I havent even been gone 2 weeks. I seriously dont know how I am going to make it here. My parents are looking for houses and its just so weird because they live here now. They wont go back to Poulsbo after they drop me off at school. What if they have a tornado at their house and I am far away at school? I hate that thought. I cant say i hate it here becuase I have hardly experienced it but I just hate the thought of not living in Washington. I have lived there my whole life and now I dont. I have had the same friends my whole life and now they're gone.... well at least I wont see them for a really long time. I hate that thought. I am sooooooooooo scared of storms you guys. And they happen here allllllllllll the time. I am going to be far away from my parents all alone with people that I have never met absolutley freaking out... wondering if my parents are okay cause they will be down here too... I just dont know how I am going to do this. I am so scared! Now once I start thinking like this then its like... what if I hate my school? What if everyone is weird? Ahhh Im freaking out... and I just miss my friends soooooooooo much!

Its weird though because lately I have been listening to the radio to the local christian station and three times now I have heard the song... God is in control.... and I know its just a reminder that I know that this is where God wants me or else I wouldnt be here... and I know that this is where my parents are supposed to be because they are soooo happy now and they are doing awesome. But its just such a HUGE change and its really scary cause things are so different. We dont know anyone down here... except for our friends and their family. bUt its like back home we knew sooo many people and had so many friends. I know no one. except for the old people here. its just so weird and I just dont know if I like it... but we'll see how tomorrow goes. God is in control right? I really hope so. If you get time... please pray for me cause I really am freaking out. All of this is really starting to hit me and I am extremely overwhelmed! I love all of you guys and miss you terribly!

Current mood: scared

Friday, August 12, 2005

10:10PM - freak depressed

wow I'm gone! I am on the road to oklahoma. I had to say goodbye this whole week and I didn't realize what that really meant until I was gone and I was sitting in my truck by myself...thinking I don't know when I will see these people again. but I do know it will be a long time. it makes me so incredibly depressed. I know college will be amazing but I just am not willing to say goodbye to the friends I already have. its like I don't need new friends. I'm sooooo happy the way I am. so basically I'm way freak sad so please feel free to e-mail me whenever because I'd loveto hear from u and I will keep u updated as to how college ends up!

Current mood: depressed

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Friday, July 1, 2005

11:17AM

ok so last night I got distracted and couldn't finish what I was writing... so you got the part that I still work at the bakery(Sluys Bakery in Poulsbo).. you all should come visit because if you're lucky..you can get something free...which is usually all the time.. just come in the evening!

Yay! The fourth of July is on Monday! anyone got any plans???.... on the third people should come to my house cause its a nice place to get some food, hang out and watch the fireworks in Poulsbo... just an idea!!

I leave for college in less than two months.. to be perfectly honest.. i havent thought about it much lately... Im way excited and I cant wait to meet a bunch of new people...but its kinda sad having to say goodbye as well... I dunno... we'll just have to see. I cant think about it too much right now

DANGIT! Tomorrow my biggest crush in the entire world is getting married... do you know how much that SUCKS!? Wow.... this blows! haha I feel like Im in junior high again... but seriously it does really suck... cause he always told me that we were going to get married!! haha! What a sick liar!

Alright I have to go get ready for work... this has really sucked that work has been my life the past week... Everyday 11-7 except Tuesday... now that is a LONG day.. oh and today and tomorrow 12- 8:30.... Dangit Im getting screwed.. and its been somewhat decent outside and I have missed it because I have been inside the gay bakery eating and sweating cause its sooooo hot in there!
Alright peace out!

Current mood: okay

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

10:56AM - crazy emotions

Its just one of those days where I really need to write and express my feelings. All of a sudden all my emotions have changed drastically. For the longest time I have been so excited to leave and go to college and get away from here cause Im sick of it and go and meet new people and all that.. and I just havent been sad AT ALL! Like it was kinda weirding me out becuase I wasnt sad. And talking about senior chapel and crying and stuff and I was just like how could I cry? Im not sad.... that is until this morning. Im driving to school and I just started thinking.. wow this is the last wednesday I will say goodbye to my mom who hands me my lunch and kisses me good bye and I drive to school and then drive home after school and eat dinner that my mom makes me... and then I get into Mr. Walker's class and hes like so are you going to play any summer ball to get into shape cause you know you are going to want to be in really really good shape if you're going to play college ball... then I started to get really scared. First of all I have to say goodbye to my paretns soon... move to Oklahoma a bazillion miles away from my home, start over totally. Probably never see half of my class ever again. and then to play basketball on top of that. I have NO idea what to expect. I will get my butt kicked thats for sure and have to go to practice every day for 2 plus hours... and i could go on for ever... its just all my reasons for not playing have come back again... and they're haunting me... I have to sign sometime this week.. so its not too late to not play... but I just dont know. Im just scared. Im scared about leaving, Im scared about playing basketball... Im scared of change.. and yet I really want it. I am ready to move on. I just dont want to be stressed when Im at school. I want it to be fun. I want to study athletic training... I want to meet amazingly, fun girlfriends like the ones I have now... and HOT, christian boys... I just want college to be fun with the least amount of stress possible. My emotions are going crazy right now.... and I dont know why cause its not like its that time or anything... This is just a huge week, full of stress and emotions... actually the next three weeks are going to be like that. I have been working all week this week everyday... and I love work... its just I havent been able to do anything else. I feel like I have gained 900 pounds cause I havent excersized at all... I havent done any graduation gifts... I havent written in my real journal forever.. and that kinda stresses me out.. cause I like doing that... I have so much to do... but seriously no time. I want to hang out with my friends this summer... but i have different groups...and thats really hard to hang out with each group separately... SHOOT! I have a vocab test today too... CRAP! I need to go study.. anyways, Im scared, Im stressed, Im sad!

Current mood: sad

Friday, March 25, 2005

12:03PM - College update!

Its been a while... Lots has changed. I am in the HUGEST dilemma ever in the whole world. I leave for Ukraine on MOnday which i am pooping my pants about.. but then 2 days after I get back I am supposed to go down to Western Baptist and try out with the team. BUT... the question is... IS that really where I want to go? I have been having TONS of doubts about playing basketball in college and then that has made me think.. well then why would I go to Western Baptist if Im not going to play? They dont have my major, its in Salem where there really is not a whole lot to do, its WAY small, and well pretty much the only reason I would go there is for basketball.. and what happens if I got hurt? Then Im screwed.. But then its like well no one else is even interested in me playing for them, so that would mean if I didnt even consider Western Baptist, then I dont even have a chance of getting any scholarship and I most likely wont play. Now part of me is saying.. wow that sounds kinda nice cause well there are many reasons. I am not competitve AT ALL, I hate working hard trying to prove myself, I want a social life in college, I dont want to make such a huge committment( 3 hours a day, 9 months out of the year) to basketball, the only reason I have ever played is because it has come some what easy, its fun playing in games, and I really have not had to work extremely hard but I got excersize!! Haha that sound horrible.. So pretty much im really lazy, but I can just really see myself being miserable doing that. I have heard that you know you make a bunch of awesome new friends and its really fun traveling and all... but i think i can do that in other places... So then theres the other side to it tho.. my dad and my brothers are so for me playing basketball. They think I would just do awesome and that I totally can do it blah blah... and even Garrett once told me that I am fulfilling his dream of playing.. WOW! A little more pressure please.. Now obviously they will support me in what ever I choose.. but I just dont want to disappoint anyone. I dont want to disappoint Mr. Hanley. He has helped me so much try to get lined up with coaches and all.. I dont want to disappoint all the people that have totally supported me the past couple years cause everyone thinks I am going to play next year... but i just dont know if I can. I really dont know if it is what I want to do. I think at this moment.. the perfect senario... Go to Biola, live in LA, make friends with the people in my dorm and all the new people that I will meet, play intramurals, study athletic training and health education, work out in the gym, and have the regular college social life. I dont want to have to go to bed early just cause I have practice the next day! Seriously... i think i HATE practice more than anything in the whole world.. and having to go for like 3 hours EVERY DAY? Are you kidding me? I want to shoot myself! (not really) but seriously, Im freaking out! Now when I get back from Ukraine I leave for WBC then I get back from there and a day later go to Oklahoma to visit Oklahoma Baptist.. Im really excited to go there cause I just want to see what its like. I could go there. That would be an adventure! And a great thing about OBU is that its like $10,000 CHEAPER! Thats a bad thing about Biola.. Its pretty spendy.. and I know that really isnt an issue cause God will provide.. but still.. It kinda freaks me out! So I dunno.. Should I even go try out for Western Baptist or should I just relax those days and get ready to go to OBU? Ahh this is soo hard.. Im tearing up! I cant figure it out.. I prayed this morning that God would give me a clear sign.. and I think He just did... Im sitting here in class.. writing this and seriously.. Not going to WBC sounds so good.. I just thought.. you know when I get back from UKraine, I am not going to want to go directly to oregon to work my butt off and try to show off my skills! I am going to want to stay home and cry cuase I am going to miss Ukraine so much.. I dunno... I think I have to make this decision.. I seriously am going to explode right now... I am so unsure and yet I just have this feeling.. is this a feeling from God? I dunno.. it kinda feels like it though....

Please pray for me.. Im going crazy!!!!!!

Current mood: stressed!!!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2005

12:09PM

Its been a while...I have been thinking about a friend of mine alot lately.. I really really miss him, but i dont feel like I can hang out with him right now. It just doesnt seem like the right timing... but i really miss talking to him and I just hope he knows that I really really care about him, although it might not seem like it, I really do and I think about him all the time. I saw someone who looked like him this weekend, and it just made me want to talk to him and see him. Hes a good guy and I miss having conversations with him! I just really hope he is doing well!


I visited western Baptist this past weekend.. and i really really want to go there.. like more than anywhere else.. but i also really want to play basketball there. I dont want to play anywhere else and I dont want to go there unless I play.. well not necessarily.. but being able to play there would make it about 1000000000 times better. I love it there and I can totally see myself going there. I just hope and pray that it is Gods will that I get a bball scholarship. But who knows.. its excited to see what God has instore for me. Its weird how thinking about college and where I want to go and how there are things about western baptist that I am unsure about.. but i just have a peace about it all.. like they dont really have my exact major... but for some reason that doesnt really matter to me.. it will all work out.. or at least I hope so. God is good though. I have a peace about it and I really really want to go there! I am excited for college! YAHOO!


The notebook is out! OH MY GOODnESS! All boys need to watch it to see how to treat a girl and how to get a girl and how to sweep her off her feet.. and just to experience it. It truly is the best love story I have ever seen! ABSOLUTE MONEY! YES! Alright Im out.....

Current mood: calm

Monday, January 17, 2005

7:21PM - grounded

DANGIT! Im grounded... well i cant have the car for 2 weeks unless I am going to practice, school or a game and I have to be home by 10 every night.. how GAY is that! DANGIT! But last night was totally worth it.. I had sooooooooo much fun!I hung out with Kyle and Aimee and Brian and Chase.. It was a blast! It was good to get a glimpse of new people.. not that i dont like the people that I usually hang out with.. but it was good getting away for a while.. it definitely helped..


GUESS WHAT! I got accepted to Western Baptist.. and I kinda wanna go there.. its so weird tho cause I have always been totally against it.. but recently it has been sounding pretty dang good! I am very very excited!

But Im still grounded and that sucks! UHHHHHHHHHH.......

Current mood: moody

Thursday, January 6, 2005

Monday, December 27, 2004

11:39PM - marriage, friends, school, and THE NOTEBOOK!

Everyone is getting married!... I know of at least five people off the top of my head that got engaged recently! Being around the people makes me want to wait so bad. I can compare them to eachother and seeing the love between some of them, compared to the love between others, just makes me want to wait for real love and not anything less than that. God has the perfect timing.

On to another thought. I have been having a good time hanging out with people that graduated last year. Its just been fun to have it be like old times. Today I went to Bens house and hung out with him, Cody, Jordan, Drew, Ron and Heidi(for a few minutes). But seeing them all together again was so much fun. Its just gonna be so weird next year at this time, me and my close friends now will be doing the same thing. I wonder what it will be like.

Speaking of college, ya dont know whats gonna happen. Yes I do have a peace about everything, and I KNOW it will work out, but it sucks to know that I most likely wont get in to where I wanna go.. What a bummer.. but the I just have to remember that its obviously not where I am supposed to go! Hey I wanna know where everyone else is looking at for school... let me know where you are looking.. I would love to know!:)

Im out.. gonna go read my new book that I got for Christmas...."The Notebook"... AHHH the best book in the entire world!!!!! Cant wait til the movie comes out!!!!! YES!!!!

Current mood: chipper

Thursday, December 23, 2004

12:16AM

Im WAY bored... so I decided to do this little thingy.. sorry if you're totally bored~

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Kristin
2. Sir
3. Muff

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Muphy501
2. thats all
3.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: hmmm
1. my eyes
2. i like how i like to give
3. my friends.. thats a part of me

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my craving to be wanted..insecurity
2. always getting cold sores
3. my jealousyness


THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Thunder and lightning
2. close people dying
3. not getting married

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Gum
2. carmex
3. makeup

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. khaki pants
2. gray sweater
3. LIVE STRONG bracelet! YES!

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. honestly... dont ask me that question
2.
3.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Since its Christmas... "Mary Did You Know?"
2. #5 on the Britney remix cd
3. theres so many more i cant decide right now

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Know where I am going to college
2. Meet a BUNCH of new people
3. make a bazillion fun memories

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Friendship...(thanks Benny)
2. Mutual feelings
3. God

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE- no order:
1. I have never done anything I regret
2. I love acapella
3. I really dont want to say goodbye

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. lips
2. clothes
3. arms

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. litter
2. dance
3. be purposely mean to someone

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. going to/watching movies
2. playing basketball
3. being with friends and taking pictures

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. get married
2. be an athletic trainer
3. cuddle

THREE CAREERS (lifestles) YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Athletic Trainer
2. Teacher
3. Stay at home mom/wife

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe!
2. Hawaii
3. Jamaica

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Madelyne
2. Treven
3. Shaelyn

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get married
2. have kids
3. Travel

Current mood: bored

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

10:44PM - these songs made me think

Now I’m thinkin’ you and me was a mistake
(But then it hits me and I’m missin’ all the love we
made)
I know that we’ve been goin’ through some
things, yeah
(But the sun is always shinin’ even when it rains, oh)


I’ll be the one you kick it to
I’ll be the one that misses you
I’ll be the one to ease your pain
I’ll be the one you’ll want to gain
And you’ll be the one who can’t forget
You’ll be the one that’s innocent
You’ll be the one I can’t hide
You’ll be the one that makes me cry, baby


How you gonna up and leave me now (Why you do)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta act like
that)
How you gonna change it up (Whoa, ho, baby), we just
finished makin’ up
How you gonna act like that (But I need you)


How you gonna act like we (Oh) don’t be makin’ love




That song and....


I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath
You took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you
Or say anything
But I see clearly now
And this choice I made keeps
Playing in my head
Over and over again
It play in my head
Over and over again...


Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with "her"
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

Now that I realize
That I'm going down
From all this pain you
Put me through
Everytime I close my eyes
I like it down
Oh, I can't go on not loving you

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with "her"
And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head
I think about it
Over and over again
I replay it
Over and over again
And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

Current mood: blah

Sunday, December 12, 2004

9:33PM - amazing....

You know what amazes me? The difference between man and woman. It truly just boggles my mind because we are SOOO different! I have no idea what goes on through the man's mind.. all I know is that it is SOOO different than what goes on in the woman's mind. I have lots of questions tho.. if your a guy and you feel like answering questions.. let me know!

Current mood: curious

Saturday, November 27, 2004

9:08AM - cant wait!

All I have to say is I cant wait to find someone who will actually love me or like me or whatever no matter what I wear, look like, act like, smell like, feel like anything.. NO MATTER WHAT!

Current mood: yet hopefull

Thursday, November 25, 2004

6:48PM - Thank you Jesus

Dear God,
Thank you so much for:

My parents who drop everything they want to do just for me and my brothers

My Brothers who are my number one fans

My extended family- everytime we are together we have such a blast!

My house that is warm and cozy and a shelter from the cold

Basketball- I absolutely love playing it. Thank you for the ability to play!

My school- I love it so much and am so grateful for being able to go there.

My friends:
Casey- I can be as weird as I can be around her and can always count on having the best time ever
Aly- I can tell her ANYTHING! and she will ALWAYS listen
Amanda- She always understands by boy problems.. and she always listens to me
Taryn-No matter what we end up doing, we always laugh so hard we almost pee ourselves
Drew- I can ALWAYS talk to him and he is always there making me laugh and making me feel special
Jesse- Just hanging out with him is guaranteed a GREAT time!
Adam- he always makes me laugh
Erik- No matter how annoying I am he always puts up with me
Bryan- He is always full of good advice and goofy ideas!
Erin F- always putting up with my meanness
Erin M- Always willing to listen to my problems
ALl the seniors from last year- each one of them has a Special place in my heart
And every other person that i know.. I love them so much and thank God for each and every one of them!


God thanks so much for all that you have blessed me with. I do not deserve any of it and yet you still bless me daily! Thank you!

Current mood: grateful

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